Welcome to My Blog

As the title suggests, I will be telling stories and expressing my varying opinions. And yes, they may be offensive. Not offensive in the way that you're thinking (by that I mean I'm not going to be flat out profane) more offensive in the sense that I'm going to say things that you might not like. I have a lot of opinions, and they're rather strong. You may disagree, but hopefully you'll find yourself slightly entertained, maybe just a little amused, possibly just a bit aroused (that's a joke, by the way). If you're even the smallest amount intrigued, then I encourage you to continue reading. I have much, much more to say.

2/3/12

My Affliction

Ladies and gents, you'll be happy to know that I'm returning to my normal, lighthearted post style today. Well sort of. While you readers may enjoy what I have to say today, I can assure you that to me it is no laughing matter. Today I'll be discussing a rare affliction that I suffer from. It is a very real condition (that I made up). Every night when I come home and pull in the garage, my condition forces me to stay in the car until the garage door closes completely. After I get out of the car I go into the house in as few steps as possible. Once inside I walk quickly and as close as I can to the sofa by the stairs. I then go down the hallway and turn on my bedroom light. Before entering I turn in a full circle. Does this disorder sound familiar? Is it OCD? No. This is a rare form of paranoia called Paranormal Paranoia (patent pending). It isn't compulsion that drives me to do these things, it is irrational fear. I wait for the garage door to be sure no one comes in before it closes. I hurry into the house to lessen my chances of being caught by something in my garage. I walk close to the sofa to make my ankle more difficult to reach for any hand (or claw) reaching through the railing. I turn when entering my room to examine my surroundings for any burglars, monsters, or ghosts. Do you find my affliction humorous? Because I do not! It makes me live in fear. Fear of the dark, werewolves, ghosts, mummies, murderous clowns (or any clown), living dolls, vampires, zombies, you name it. Okay not Frankenstein's monster, he's lame. (Literally, he has a limp! Zing!) Every time I leave Jeffrey's house at night I imagine a werewolf barreling down the street at me, teeth bared. Irrational? Impossible? That doesn't matter. To a victim of Paranormal Paranoia, real and fake makes no difference. I picture ghosts in my hallway at night. That makes it hard to sleep. If I come home at night and my bedroom blinds are closed, I have trouble going to close them because of what may possibly pop up. The root of this fear is Danny Glick in Salem's Lot by Stephen King. I was fortunate enough to catch a snippet of the movie when I was a kid and, even though Danny was blue, it still stuck with me. I read the book a couple of years ago, it's one of my favorites, but that part still freaks me out. I was going to put an excerpt here but I couldn’t find it. You should just look it up. To wrap this up, let me just say that my Paranormal Paranoia totally sucks. It makes me check my back seat every time I get in my car, make sure my closet door is always closed all the way, and it’s ruined Haunted Houses for me. Whereas most people would become braver as they get older, my condition has only worsened. Alright, well that’s it for today.

Until next time,
Steve

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